


Here Comes Woody Claus

by singing_to_shipwreck



Category: SunTrap, What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Kissing, M/M, Mistletoe, Multi, Rated T for language, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singing_to_shipwreck/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck
Summary: a non-denominational, winter celebrational gift exchange fic for liquid_isolationWoody from SunTrap visits the Staten Island bing bongs and plays matchmaker.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 9
Kudos: 21
Collections: non-denominational winter celebrational fandom gift exchangional extravaganza





	Here Comes Woody Claus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liquid_isolation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquid_isolation/gifts).



## ❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊

**THE STATEN ISLAND HOUSE - 2:30 AM, DEC. 21ST**

The vampires and Guillermo are sitting in the library, doing what one does in a library. So they’re reading, if that wasn’t clear. 

The doorbell rings. 

NANDOR

(waving his hand limply toward the door, not looking up from the massive historical book he is reading. He hopes no one has noticed that he’s been on the same page for the past hour.) 

Go get the door, Guillermo. 

GUILLERMO

(sighing)

We’ve gone over this, _Nandor_. I’m not your familiar, so you can’t keep telling me what to do. Nadja and Laszlo don’t tell me what to do anymore!

LASZLO

(proudly, gesturing toward Nandor with an unlit pipe)

He’s right, old boy. We hardly ever boss him around these days. 

NADJA

(grimacing and looking toward the camera) 

And it’s not just because we are very afraid that he will stab us with something pointy and wooden. 

COLIN ROBINSON

(smirking and looking at the camera) 

I think that means they are very afraid Gizmo will stab them with something pointy and wooden. 

The doorbell continues to ring over and over and over again, and then once more for good measure. 

Guillermo stands up. 

COLIN ROBINSON

(eyes flashing blue)

Where’re ya goin there, Gizmo?

GUILLERMO

(grumbles)

To get the door. 

NANDOR

What was that?

GUILLERMO

I SAID I’M GOING TO GET THE DOOR!

NANDOR

No need to do the shouty shouting, Guillermo. Now go get the door. 

Guillermo goes to get the door. Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin continue to read, and Nandor continues to pretend to know how to read. 

GUILLERMO

(calling from the other room)

Uh… guys? Can you come here please?

Everyone rushes to the entryway where Guillermo is gaping at the man on the other side of the door.

The man is wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt covered in Santas, despite the fact that it’s December in Staten Island. The man bears a striking resemblance to Nandor, if Nandor was younger, had short hair and stubble, and most importantly wasn’t dead. 

Nadja, Laszlo, Colin, and Guillermo look at Nandor, then back to the man, then back to Nandor, then back to the man, all in perfect synchrony. 

Nandor and the man do not notice anything out of the ordinary. 

LASZLO

Who are you?

COLIN ROBINSON

(whispering to the camera)

Oh, this is going to be good. Yum yum. 

MAN

(in a fake Scottish accent) 

Hello, my name is John J. Johnson, bird inspector, and I am here to inspect your birds immediately. I think I will have to stay at least 3 days to make sure that all of your birds are in tip top shape. 

NANDOR

Birds? Guillermo, do we have any birds that I don’t know about?

GUILLERMO

(still looking from Nandor to the man in shock)

No, no birds. 

JOHN J. JOHNSON 

Termites, then?

LASZLO

No, none of those either, but we do have some randy squirrels in the back garden. I think they enjoy my lovely vulva garden. 

JOHN J. JOHNSON 

Yes, then, well my name is John J. Johnson, bird, termite, and squirrel expert and I am here to inspect your squirrels. 

NANDOR

(suspiciously) 

Our squirrels don’t need any inspecting, you strange looking man. 

GUILLERMO 

_Nandor_. Be polite.

NANDOR

What? Doesn’t he look a bit odd to you?

JOHN J. JOHNSON

(proudly)

I _am_ very pretty. 

NANDOR

(sneers)

That’s not what I said. 

Nadja sputters, as she is terribly confused. She gestures wildly between Nandor and John J. Johnson and looks at the camera for help. She wonders if her mind is finally failing her and if she imagining that John J. Johnson and Nandor are literally identical.

COLIN ROBINSON

(eyes lighting blue)

This is great. Welcome, John J. Johnson, sir. Feel free to inspect our squirrels for as long as you need to, man who definitely doesn’t look like my roomie if he got a spray tan.

JOHN J. JOHNSON

(very confused, as he still does not see the resemblance) 

Thank you. I only need to inspect your squirrels for maybe 3, 4 days until I can find a hotel-- I mean, until I am done inspecting them. 

(His phone rings. He answers it and immediately drops his Scottish accent.)

Hi, B. 

NADJA 

(gasps at the camera and whispers) 

Did you see that?! John J. Johnson has been replaced by another man. 

THE MAN WHO HAS REPLACED JOHN J. JOHNSON 

(talking into the phone)

Yeah, B., I’m okay. I’m in Staten Island. No, they don’t know I’m here. No, I can’t find a hotel room, but I went to the friendliest house I saw and rang their doorbell. 

Guillermo looks at the camera and raises an eyebrow. 

THE MAN WHO HAS REPLACED JOHN J. JOHNSON 

(still into the phone)

There are some nice goths who are going to let me stay with them for a week or two. 

NANDOR

_Wait a second--_

THE MAN WHO HAS REPLACED JOHN J. JOHNSON

(still into the phone)

Okay, B. I’ll talk to you soon. 

Okay. Love you. Bye. 

(He hangs up the phone.)

Okay. You’ve caught me. My name’s not actually John J. Johnson, and I’m not here to inspect your birds or your termites or your squirrels. My name is Woody and I am on the run from the British Intelligence. 

GUILLERMO

(rolling his eyes)

Yeah, right.

LASZLO

Hush now, Guilerkmo.

(He eyes Woody up and down lasciviously. Woody’s hair might not be long but he does have an accent, and that’s good enough for Laszlo.)

Please keep talking, fellow Englishman.

WOODY

Thank you… 

LASZLO

 _Laszlo_. Laszlo Cravensworth. 

WOODY

Wow. Great name. Mind if I use that some time? 

LASZLO

(confused but flattered) 

Sure, old chap. 

NADJA

And what will you be using my husband's name for? And where did John J. Johnson go? 

LASZLO

That _is_ John J. Johnson.

NADJA

That does not make any sense. This is a completely different man. 

LASZLO

Darling, even I can see that this is the same man from before.

NADJA

That seems very unlikely. So, Mr. Man. 

(She points at him.)

Are you a witch? 

WOODY

(chipperly) 

No. 

Nadja seems somewhat appeased by that one-word answer, although it was only one word. Woody is very charming that way. 

NADJA

Okay.

She looks at the camera and shrugs before she makes the universal sign for “he’s crazy” at her temple. The irony is lost on her.

WOODY

You sound _so_ familiar. Do you know someone named Zorro? Or maybe he goes by new Zorro. Or _maybe_ he goes by new new Zorro because of the time he was replaced by a new Zorro and then he replaced the new Zorro, so the new Zorro became the old Zorro, and he became the new Zorro again. But probably he doesn't go by that at all, because Zorro is not actually his name. 

Everyone blinks at him. They are collectively lost for words. Even Guillermo, who normally possesses the household brain cell, doesn’t know what to think. 

WOODY

So… do you know him? 

NADJA

Um… no. 

GUILLERMO

(suspicious)

Who are you really? And what are you doing here?

WOODY

(immune to his suspicion) 

My name is _actually_ Woody. I don’t have a place to stay, but I do love the Addams Family, so I knocked on your door. 

Guillermo relaxes and laughs, smiling kindly at Woody. 

NANDOR

I don’t get it. 

GUILLERMO

I’m Guillermo, by the way. And this is Nadja, Colin Robinson, and Nandor. 

Nandor hisses. He is still not used to hearing his first name spoken by Guillermo, nor is he used to all the fuzzy, warm feelings he feels when hearing it. 

WOODY

Nice to meet you, Guillermo. 

He says Guillermo with perfect pronunciation. Guillermo seems impressed. Nandor rolls his eyes. 

WOODY

I would try to find a hotel, but because it’s so close to Christmas--

Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor flinch and hiss very dramatically. Woody is alarmed. 

GUILLERMO

(wincing) 

Sorry. They’re… atheists. Devout atheists. 

Woody nods like he understands. He does not understand. 

GUILLERMO

Well, if you can’t find a place to stay, I think you can stay here for a few days. Right, everyone?

LASZLO

(saucily)

Yes, that’s fine with me. 

NADJA

(eying her husband)

Sure, but I still want to know what you’ve done with John J. Johnson. 

COLIN

This is like a buffet, so I’m okay with it. 

Nandor glances between Woody and Guillermo, frowning at their shared smiles. He hasn’t picked up on the resemblance between Woody and himself, but he has picked up on a certain friendliness between them. He doesn’t like it.

NANDOR

I don’t like it. 

GUILLERMO

Well, democracy rules. 

NANDOR

What are the democracy rules?

GUILLERMO

You’d know if you had paid attention during your citizenship lessons. Come on, Woody. You can stay in the closet. It’s a little small but cozy. 

LASZLO

Yes, it used to be Gizmo’s room before he upgraded. 

WOODY

Cool! G, show the way. As long as there are no dead seagulls on the bed, then it’ll be a palace. 

Everyone laughs, charmed by Woody, except for Nandor. He looks at the camera with a grimace and mouths "dead seagull?" 

## ❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊

**THE KITCHEN - 5 PM, DEC 22nd**

Woody has brewed himself and Guillermo some coffee. It's awful. Guillermo is too polite to say anything about it.

WOODY

(taking his first sip. He grimaces)

This is awful. 

(He takes another sip.) 

So. Tell me about this Nandor fellow. Weird looking guy, isn’t he?

GUILLERMO

You really don’t know, do you?

WOODY 

Know what? 

(He takes another sip.)

What, that you’re in love with him?

GUILLERMO

(he spits out his coffee. It’s an equal parts reaction to the bitter taste and to that comment)

I’m… That I’m… No, I’m not… 

(flustered)

What makes you think that I’m…

(He laughs nervously.)

Me? In love with _Nandor_? I work for him. Or at least I used to.

Woody makes a confused face to show that he is confused. 

GUILLERMO

I used to be his... live-in personal assistant. I’m just a roommate now but I’m… I couldn’t be in love with him. 

WOODY

I’m not going to tell him.

GUILLERMO

(deflating)

Okay. Yeah. I’m in love with him. But have you _looked_ at him? 

WOODY

Yes, and I don’t understand the appeal, but I’m used to that sort of thing. Not understanding, I mean. 

GUILLERMO

Right. 

(He glances at the camera.)

I kind of noticed.

WOODY

(The not-so-subtle insult goes over his head.)

So why don’t you say something? 

GUILLERMO

(scoffing)

Yeah, right. 

(acting out what he would say)

Nandor, yeah, I know you’re a 758- I mean. I know you’re this cool, handsome guy, and I’m just a dork in a sweater but would you maybe want to go out on a date with me some time? 

WOODY

That sounds good to me.

GUILLERMO

You don’t know Nandor. 

WOODY

No, maybe not, but I don’t think it’d go as disastrously as you think if you were to tell him. 

GUILLERMO

(eying the camera)

You’d be surprised. 

WOODY

(eyes lighting up)

Say, G. Why don’t you let _me_ help you work up the courage to say something? And maybe I could come up with a plan. A plan to nab Nandor. _Heh._

GUILLERMO

(scoffing)

Yeah, no offense Woody, but I don’t think--

WOODY 

What’s the harm? What do you have to lose?

Guillermo takes a moment to think. He sips his coffee, momentarily forgetting how disgusting it is. He gags. 

Guillermo sighs in defeat and sticks out his hand to shake. Woody smiles proudly and shakes it. 

“Happy Together” by The Turtles plays (if we can afford the rights to that sort of thing) to a montage of Guillermo and Woody chatting and having fun. In each shot, Nandor is standing in the shadows pouting about it. 

Woody and Guillermo play cards in the fancy room. Nandor stands behind the doorway pouting.

Woody and Guillermo put some non-denominational twinkling lights on the front fence. Nandor stands in the bushes pouting.

Woody and Guillermo share a human drink together in the kitchen. Nandor stands in the fridge pouting. It's a tight squeeze, but it works. 

The music is abruptly ended and replaced by a jaunty, silly tune. Woody enters the house wearing prosthetic ears and a fake mustache. He waves hello to Nadja before ducking into his closet room. Nadja and Nadja Doll gasp in exasperation. 

NADJA

Who are all of these strange men coming into my house?!

  
  
NADJA DOLL

(whistling)

And what is his phone number? 

  
  


## ❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊❅❆❉❊

**THE CLOSET FORMERLY KNOWN AS GUILLERMO'S ROOM - 3 AM, DEC 24th**

Woody is sitting crosslegged on the cot, reading a magazine about birds for research purposes. He is wearing another Hawaiian shirt, this time with reindeer on it. These costume changes are very impressive, especially considering he didn’t bring any luggage. 

NANDOR

Knock knock. 

WOODY

Thanks for knocking, Nandor. What can I do for you?

NANDOR

I am very angry with you and I want to yell at you about it. 

WOODY 

(setting aside his bird magazine. He looks surprisingly eager to be yelled at)

Okay. Shoot. 

NANDOR

 _No._

(He sighs, exasperated.)

I am angry at you, but I am not going to kill you. Guillermo would not be very happy with me if I did that. And how can I shoot you when I don’t have a gun?

WOODY

(thinking deeply)

I don’t know. 

(Beat.)

But you can yell at me now. 

NANDOR

I do not appreciate that you are spending all of this time with Guillermo, and walking around the house with Guillermo, and doing all of this chatting with Guillermo. He is _my_ Guillermo...And you two do not make a good pair. You just do not look good together. No offense. 

WOODY

None taken. I think you look much better with him. 

NANDOR

(He looks a bit surprised by this but flattered.)

Thank you. 

Neither of them seem to realize how stupid they are. It’s okay, because stupid looks good on them. 

NANDOR

(waving his fingers about)

You will not court Guillermo any longer. 

WOODY

Oh, hypnosis! I was a hypnotist once. But don’t worry. I won’t ask you to take off your trousers. 

NANDOR

Thank… you? 

WOODY 

You’re welcome. And Nandor, you should know I don’t like Guillermo like that. We are just friends. I’ve got a girl back home. Well, it’s not really home. And she’s more of a woman than a girl. And she’s married. So she might not actually be mine, but that’s for me to not know and also for me to find out. 

NANDOR

(He grimaces and looks at the camera.)

Oh. Okay. 

WOODY

So… you have feelings for Guillermo, then?

NANDOR

(gasps)

How did you deduce this shit?

WOODY

Some say I’m a master of deduction. Not many. But some. 

NANDOR

(wiggling his fingers again)

You will forget all about the deductions that you have deducted and you will stop making googly eyes at Guillermo. Please. 

WOODY

Oh, hypnosis! _Again_! Fun!

Nandor bares his teeth and rushes out of the room. 

WOODY

(looking at the camera with a big smile)

I have an idea. 

## ❅❆❉❊❅❆♡❉❊❅❆❉❊

**ON THE FRONT STEPS - 12:30 AM, DEC. 25TH**

Woody and Guillermo are standing on the steps waiting for Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja to return from their hunt. Woody is wearing yet another winter Hawaiian shirt and gardening gloves. He is holding a sad looking plant. 

WOODY

And you remember the plan?

GUILLERMO

Yes, Woody. But I’m nervous.

WOODY

Don’t be nervous. I have it on good authority that this will work out. The authority is my own authority. So I have it on the best authority that this will work out. 

(He hands the plant to Guillermo.)

Okay, they’re coming. You’ll be _fine_. I’ll be in the bushes if you need me. 

Nadja, Nandor, and Laszlo walk up to the house. Nadja and Laszlo rush in, clearly randy after their hunt. Nandor moves to go in behind them, but Guillermo grabs him by the arm. 

GUILLERMO

Wait!

(He gulps.)

It’s a nice night. Why don’t you stay here for a minute with me? I have something to talk to you about. 

NANDOR

Okay… Guillermo, this is very odd. 

GUILLERMO

I know. I’m sorry. 

(He takes a deep breath and shows Nandor the plant shyly.)

Look, Nandor. Mistletoe.

Woody smiles from his hiding place in the bushes and Guillermo takes a deep breath. He inches closer to Nandor. 

NANDOR

Whose toe? 

GUILLERMO

No, it’s not--

NANDOR

I do not want to see the creature who has toes like this. Yeesh. 

GUILLERMO

No. Mistletoe, one word, and it’s not actually a toe. You don’t know about the tradition around mistletoe?

Guillermo flutters his eyelashes nervously. Nandor gulps. It’s horrifically awkward but equally endearing. 

NANDOR

I’m sure I do know about this mistley toe, but I am not sure _you_ know about this mistley toe, so why don’t _you_ tell _me_ what you think this mistley toe means?

GUILLERMO

(smiles knowingly)

Well, it’s a Chr-- A _winter_ tradition. If two people stand under a piece of mistletoe, they have to kiss. 

NANDOR

What, each other? With their lips?

(He feigns disgust, but quickly glances at Guillermo’s lips)

GUILLERMO 

Exactly. 

Woody offers a thumbs up and a nod from the bushes. There is a leaf in his hair, but he makes it work. 

Guillermo shakily lifts the mistletoe over their heads. Well, he tries to, but it’s definitely not above Nandor’s head, as he is a great deal shorter. Even though he doesn’t quite get there, the message comes across. 

NANDOR

And we have to do this? 

GUILLERMO

Um… yup… That’s the rule.

Nandor nods and leans down. He gives Guillermo’s lips a quick peck and then pulls away, holding intense eye contact with Guillermo.

Guillermo drops the arm that is holding the mistletoe. He stares at Nandor back.

They look at each other for a long time. Or what feels like a long time to Woody, who is staring off into space and probably picturing himself on a beach somewhere. 

Suddenly, Nandor grabs Guillermo by the waist and lifts him up for another kiss. This one is long, passionate, and romantic. 

If this were on film, we’d probably play some dramatic, swelling music and zoom in on their faces. 

Wait.

There’s dramatic, swelling music as the camera centers in on their faces. 

Finally, Nandor pulls away and returns Guillermo to his feet but keeps his arms around Guillermo’s waist. Guillermo is smiling like an idiot. Nandor is smiling as well, also like an idiot, but that’s the norm for him. 

NANDOR

Wow. 

GUILLERMO

I know. 

NANDOR

 _Wow_. 

Guillermo is still wearing a dopey smile from kissing Nandor, but he begins to scratch his hand furiously. He squints at the plant in his hand. 

GUILLERMO

Woody… where did you get this mistletoe?

WOODY

(snapping out of his daydream)

Um. From the backyard. And then I put the little berries and the ribbon on it, all crafty like. 

GUILLERMO

Is this… Is this _poison oak?_

NANDOR

(tightening his possessive hold on Guillermo’s waist)

You _poisoned_ Guillermo?!

GUILLERMO

(placing his hand on Nandor’s chest)

I don’t think he meant to. 

(He can’t resist and begins to scratch his hand again.)

NANDOR

(gasps)

 _Woodward._ If that is your real name--

WOODY

It’s not.

NANDOR

\--How could you poison Guillermo? After all we have done for you? After we provided you a nice closet room free of dead sea birds?

WOODY

(glances at his bare wrist and crawls out of the bushes)

Well, would you look at the time. I must be going before the British Intelligence finds out where I am. 

GUILLERMO

 _Woody_. 

WOODY

(already walking away, backwards. He waves.) 

Alright, here I go! Many congratulations to the new happy couple. Merry Christmas. 

NANDOR

(hissing)

Fucking guy. Poisoning Guillermo’s hand _and_ my ears. 

COLIN ROBINSON

(popping up from nowhere)

Cmon, Woody. Don’t you know this is a non-denominational, generic winter celebrational kind of household? 

(He winks at the camera)

WOODY

Sorry, sorry. 

(He stops short.) 

Be careful, Guillermo. 

(in a hushed tone that isn’t very hushed at all) 

I don't know if you’re aware, but your flatmates are all vampires. Just thought you should know.

Guillermo’s jaw hangs open in surprise. He didn’t think Woody had enough brain cells to figure that out for himself. Nandor’s eyes widen dramatically. 

WOODY 

Except for the bald one. I think he's just annoying, which is saying something coming from me. 

(pointing at Guillermo’s hand)

And get some calamine lotion for that!

Nandor looks _this_ close to eating his lookalike, who he still doesn’t realize is his lookalike, but Guillermo hugs him closer to calm him down. 

As Woody makes a break for it, already putting on a blonde wig mid-run for some reason, Nandor and Guillermo look into each other’s eyes romantically. They kiss again. 

It’s a kiss that’s so passionate and loving that Guillermo nearly forgets how itchy his hand is. 

Nearly. 

FADE TO BLACK

  
  
  


HAPPY NON-DENOMINATIONAL WINTER CELEBRATIONS!!


End file.
